Scars like stars

When the electricity fades and only lightning remains

and we've drunk the last drop of dead dinosaur blood

and we're forced to run outside into the streets, you and

I will yell out aliases and call signs like fighter

pilots falling. Because we don't know each other's real names.

- IWTFY

You defend yourself of my accusations and I openly let you do so.I could even live this way forever.Accustomed to your pernicky self and the fluctuating me,I understood what you meant in the silences between the words you spoke.I still do.I just cant seem to save my self. Not because of the sudden lapse of judgement in me or because I have sealed away the hyper eighteen year old girl that I used to be ,but because I'm afraid I'd mirror my surrounding to the you I was always afraid of.

You surprise me with the pity you wear as your underclothes to friendship,and it disgusts me each I look at you.But I cannot hate you. Now I understand what they meant when they said that you can only fall out of love with someone,not stop loving them.Our-star crossed signs now smirk as they look down at us,the celestial lights connecting our hearts a shade dimmer each time.And it has devastated me in terms of Identity with you.

I have watched each one of you disappear from the frame that once captured our happy,unaware faces.Our star fighter pilots have given up along time.Now we are afraid of drowning,our boats afull.Why didn't we realize this was a one-man submarine throughout? Over filled with faults and unspoken words our stagnant faces fade away into distant spaces that still carry labels to identify you and me. There were times we promised to do something about it.We know how.But instead we step aside allowing life to put up her dread show before us. One at a time it shuts us out, with you so intimated.But I hate you.For your pride and mine too.For your nonchalance and my ostrich-act. This show isn't amusing any longer.And I see you realize that.

You wish to drift apart;too tired of me running away over again,too tired of explaining,too tired of convincing.Dammit you have a life too!

And mean while I shall put up a show of my scars that now seem like stars to me,each one marking their over-rated autographs on my skin and I glow beneath them.But look,the nights got plenty more.

Its only shame that makes us real,and somehow defines who we really are.This you will understand someday as well. You have always been a slow learner and I lovingly patient with you.

Last night you cut off my oxygen supply asking me to breathe.And I obeyed with your voice pounding like bullets in my head.And I prayed to you.Its just cause I have no one else to turn to,asking you to save me before this part of me that you knew so well should fade away.And if it reaches you,I shall say amen to that.Because I don't own a sand glass any longer but I realise I'm short of time and tears.

Sometimes I wish to write about you and me.About us and the times that used to be,but i fail repeatedly. Framing sentences in extravagant vocabulary and throwing phrases just to prove my maturity to it.Sometimes I wish to talk about it.To show you my over flown self and the crevices that wont fill but I'm exhausted and I wont let you see those tears again.

Sometimes talking your heart out and weaving thoughts to Latin-born words only makes them even so treacly.Thus I don't speak them.Least to you.And I shall never say that I miss you.

Dimensions.

Mirrors hide alot,but that doesn't necessarily make them something bad.

You always held my hand, throughout; but that doesn't necessarily make you something good.

The invisible warning labels

"Some times we love with nothing more

than hope.Some times we cry with

everything except tears.In the

end that's all there is:

love and its duty,sorrow and its truth.

In the end that's all we have-to hold

on tight until the dawn."

-SHANTARAM.

Last night you asked me the perfect opposite of love and I presented you with an imbecile you and me.I do not remember what you said to that but the silence within me fanned the glowing embers of a thought process that I do not really trust any longer.

You had once told me that one can never escape two things in life,one being your own goddamn shadow and the other, still worse being the property of coming up with spineless excuses.I understand what you meant then perfectly now as I find it being used as a substitute for everything, which precisely sums up my own incompetence.The worst yet out of them all are finding excuses to love.Convincing your crippled self for your love for a former lover.Its anything but sincere, more of a gamble thing, having pity for its dressing.Can one love just for the sake of it,disparagingly,whispering promises and sharing secrets when they realise how improvident their love is? Baseless.Lame in every sense.But then again,its love and that's big enough an excuse to get one through.

I believe each of us to be a hedonistic sycophant that burgeons on someone elses gullible mind,deriving pleasure from their ignorance. Innocent flummery gushes thought your veins as you put up effigies of your love.So proud.It starts out as mutualism,helping you unsheathe yourself into a disillusionment you surrender you whole self to and you believe it to be intrinsic for your existence,much like a placebo to your needs.And then you crumble under the same weight of that love,trapped in a void inside your hollow selves.You'll live in a dream,in a fake notion believing it to be the only thing real.

Only we forget that life shouts back and everything you have uttered will echo back

and you shall then whisper

Goodnight.

Goodbye.

Another ghost to follow.

"I know where you hide

Alone in your car

Know all of the things that make you who you are

I know that goodbye means nothing at all

Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls.."

I know she considers her middle school badge lucky.

I know that she has a burn scar near her ankle and it had troubled her quite a bit.

I know her wrist supported a rather ugly black titan watch,that she preferred over all others,for most of her senior years at school and preserved the pieces after it broke.

I know she's allergic to chalk.

I know she cannot tell the shades of different colours apart.

I know she hearts stormy weathers.

I know that she idolized Einstein.

I know that she's rather bad at writing letters and no matter how much I ask her not to ramble, she still will.

I know she cried in the corridors.

I know that its rather difficult to tell her laughter and crying apart.

I know that had she been a word, it would be- Renaissance.

I know she's awake no matter what time of the night I call her, tongue wrestling the voices in her head.I know she knows I believe them to be kiddish.I know she hates me for that.

I know she secretly believes Red and Blue to be conspiring against her existence.

I know that she would back me up on every weird idea I possess.

I know she can mix sauce with everything edible on the planet.

I know shes on the wrong planet.

I know that she tried hiding her frost bitten fingers at school and was amazingly successful at it.

I know she strangely wakes up to receive my calls at night even when the phones been on the silent mode.

I know how much she loved Westlife and how she grew out of it.

I know she can listen to 'she will be loved', over and over again and never get the least tired.

I know she lost her faith in god in tenth grade.

I know that her hazel eyes hide more than just secrets.

I know she'd never compromise with her standards.

I know that she stealthily applys Kohl.

I know that she burns things to convince herself they don't matter any longer.I know they still do.

I know she secretly fears loneliness.

I know that she's never come even distantly close to hating him even though she said she did.

I know that the lucky ass that would get her, would never be good enough for her.

I know she had a fringe during her junior years.

I know she wakes up after every hour at night.

I know that she worries about her looks.

I know how much the word 'lame' bugs her.

I know that she loves me but would rather swallow a fly than admit it.

I know she gets nervous alot.

I know her handwriting smells of smoke and sea.Its my synonym for familiarity.

I know she eats coffee powder as an act of repentance.

I know that she can brush her teeth over and over again through the day.

I know perfect endings don't seem to convince her.

I know her.

I had known her.

Suddenly I'm not so sure.

No excuses this time

I've set myself on fire, do you see me now ?

Windswept ruins

I dread your oceans

I dread your streams.

Circumventing your existence

and not being affected is hopeless,

and so totally not me.

I've never hidden the truth away from you.

I've only protected you against it.

And those are two very different things.

If that phone isn't ringing you should  know its me.

Razors and Bandage.

Shuffling though the dresser drawer.. her eyes red and Japanese-like from too much of crying.

Of what they see.Eyes and the whole of her, gleam.Silver.Her fingers clenching as many pills as they can.Pills.She always had been in awe of.Red.Orange.Sea green.Yellow.

"your good for nothing,"they said.

A glass bottle hovers over the table a little before crashing onto the floor. 

"you are self centred,that's why no one likes you.

oh! forget that!how many of them do you like?",they said.

She pulls back her careless locks away from her face.They are out there.They wish to reach you,listen to you,hold you.She shuts her eyes to the voices in her head.That's what she always did.That was her way.GETLOST.

"You have no human values left,"he said.

You dream in satin.You've painted pellets the colours they are,you say.And you pose.I see that.

You pretend allthebloodytime.And I can see that.You pose.You pose.

"If that's how you wish to continue,you are getting no where in your life.Building air castles is all you can do..",she said.

Glossy colors on her palm.ONE DOWN.

"Your selfish and your spoilt"

TWO DOWN.

"She isn't as innocent as she pretends to be.Your ungrateful.And you lie.You Lie.You LIE."

THREE DOWN.Two more to go.

CAUTION:"Over doze maybe injurious to liver.Keep out of reach of children".

"There's something your not telling me..I know there is.And whats 

with your phone?,"said the best friend.

She stared at the dead thing lying close by.So was she.She didn't wish to touch it.Feel it.Have anything to do with it.

ONE MORE TO GO.

"..but that's not how it is babe..you know that..rite?,"he said.

If I smile and don't believe

Soon I know I'll wake from this dream

Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken

Hello I am the lie living for you so you can hide.

"Whats wrong with you?Should I call up one of your friends to know whats with you?Tell me..speak.Your just like her.Your silence scares me and its going to get us into trouble for that I'm sure..SPEAK..",she said.

DOWN.YOU GO DOWN SO SMOOTH...

Your words echo in my brain.They screech and they scream,driving their nails deep into my tired brain.Now you can say all that you want.Only I see the blood trickle.

yourgoingnowhereyourgoingnowhereyourgoingnowhereyourgoingnowhere

Smiles don't always tell the truth.Sometimes they are more than just oblivion,

sadness,sarcasm and shrewdness.Its a reminder.A signal.A warning.A forecast.

This I shall always remember.

I wonder, which pain I tried to chase away after all?