Razors and Bandage.

Shuffling though the dresser drawer.. her eyes red and Japanese-like from too much of crying.

Of what they see.Eyes and the whole of her, gleam.Silver.Her fingers clenching as many pills as they can.Pills.She always had been in awe of.Red.Orange.Sea green.Yellow.

"your good for nothing,"they said.

A glass bottle hovers over the table a little before crashing onto the floor. 

"you are self centred,that's why no one likes you.

oh! forget that!how many of them do you like?",they said.

She pulls back her careless locks away from her face.They are out there.They wish to reach you,listen to you,hold you.She shuts her eyes to the voices in her head.That's what she always did.That was her way.GETLOST.

"You have no human values left,"he said.

You dream in satin.You've painted pellets the colours they are,you say.And you pose.I see that.

You pretend allthebloodytime.And I can see that.You pose.You pose.

"If that's how you wish to continue,you are getting no where in your life.Building air castles is all you can do..",she said.

Glossy colors on her palm.ONE DOWN.

"Your selfish and your spoilt"

TWO DOWN.

"She isn't as innocent as she pretends to be.Your ungrateful.And you lie.You Lie.You LIE."

THREE DOWN.Two more to go.

CAUTION:"Over doze maybe injurious to liver.Keep out of reach of children".

"There's something your not telling me..I know there is.And whats 

with your phone?,"said the best friend.

She stared at the dead thing lying close by.So was she.She didn't wish to touch it.Feel it.Have anything to do with it.

ONE MORE TO GO.

"..but that's not how it is babe..you know that..rite?,"he said.

If I smile and don't believe

Soon I know I'll wake from this dream

Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken

Hello I am the lie living for you so you can hide.

"Whats wrong with you?Should I call up one of your friends to know whats with you?Tell me..speak.Your just like her.Your silence scares me and its going to get us into trouble for that I'm sure..SPEAK..",she said.

DOWN.YOU GO DOWN SO SMOOTH...

Your words echo in my brain.They screech and they scream,driving their nails deep into my tired brain.Now you can say all that you want.Only I see the blood trickle.

yourgoingnowhereyourgoingnowhereyourgoingnowhereyourgoingnowhere

Smiles don't always tell the truth.Sometimes they are more than just oblivion,

sadness,sarcasm and shrewdness.Its a reminder.A signal.A warning.A forecast.

This I shall always remember.

I wonder, which pain I tried to chase away after all?

My Synthetic being

And I'm not gonna take it back

And I'm not gonna say I don't mean that

You're the target that I'm aiming at

Got to get that message home

-coldplay.

Flip.turn.flip.cry.

How fair is it  to let down some one,break their trust and clothe it with excuses?How fair is it to leave a former love unanswered and runaway?How fair is it to leave you unaware,chasing answers I know you can never find without me?How fair is it to be me?Cant even pretend,you try so hard to see.

My shadow and I have gotten nowhere next to agreeing with one another-

we have only compromised.

Flip.

I shut my eyes to the shrieking stars.Last night they screamed your name aloud.I shrugged out of fake oblivion and I saw them break into a gleaming green and silver.Listen and feel.Those Bubble talks and liquid dreams.

And we walk so apart these days-Ive renamed it as 'forsaken bliss' and you know how untrue this is.So much and all I ask is,to let me crawl out of your skin,away to a world so me,to give away everything and give birth to me,now that I realise Ive lost more than just myself to you.And I've logged into my mailbox a zillion times.I wait for you,I do not understand.

Switch off.Switch on.fade.

"why the hell were you switched off?Are you not telling me something?I really think so.."

"hello?.."

Switch off.

"uhh.."

Switch on.tears.more tears.

"have you by any chance been crying?"

Switch off.switch on.

I never thought I'd need those diary pages,just to remind my love for you.Flip,turn,flip.

Sitting on your lap.Your arms around my waist,listening to my musings,you smile silently.You kiss my earlobe.We are too close.I breathe your breath in.Your sweat smelling of my perfume and I know thats how you like it.

Flip.turn.tears.

"the no. you are trying is currently switched off"

I count the seconds,Ive thought of you.I want each one back ..can you count?cause I failed to.The familiarity within me,from you,back into me, so fucking undeniable.I can trace you down from what you had been to what you will be.You sailed my mind though a sea of credulity,and we lived lives in a single season..now your boats too overfilled with my faults..and your incompetence.I wish you had simply said it.

I curse the boat.I curse my omens and your lemons.

I curse you.

And I curse myself.

Switch on.Switch off.cry.

You move your fingers through my hair.i turn towards you.You bring me closer and I catch myself in you.I see my goodness and I see my lies.I smile.You kiss my elbow,you kiss my wrist,you kiss my fingers and their tips..

Switch on.tears.

You hold those pages in your hands.you look from them to me,back into them.you-surprised,happy,sad-all at once.You take a complete fifteen minutes staring into them,remembering time,remembering us..remembering 'the one'..

You were Dippsy.

Flip.turn.

You do not speak.You can't  how ever much you try.You look at me.I look away,afraid you might just see through me and all that I protect.And I realise how it all had been planned from the start.You fucking were my scrip.My story.My gift.My lesson.My prayer.A pawn I played,beautifully inking down every move of yours and now Im exausted.

Simple three words.Seventeen letters.And I was done.

Formulate.punctuate.delete.

WHO AM I DECEIVING.

IT NEVER WAS YOU.

The predator.

I remember.
The deserted manor in a heartless winter morning, smelling of burnt cigarettes,flittered vanilla-candles,spent souls and your aftershave. Of french windows and prying eyes and of squished rose petals spread upon worn carpets; where you had confessed your love to a 17yr old naive me, and I had succumbed to all your insecurities,thinking it as my soul duty to give back to you all that you had lost, unaware of your dark recesses, you protected so well.Thankful of being desired and loved.
I remember.Black mirror pieces raping crimson stained bedsheets,entwined in misleading ecstasy that spoke of long nights that'd prolong past morning light.Cathedral bells.Horace Silver.Heroine.Glenfiddich.Two naked bodies lost in a desperate embrace.Fake smiles and unfaithful eyes.Drift.Draw.Sway.Sting.

Its so much easier to live with a burnt face than live with a burnt soul.

I sit muted by the things Ive done and believed in..i think of faults,betrayal,cheat and my demeaned self..and all of it taking me back to you..

Too many times I've cried myself out on the same sheets, cursed a new star every night, and allowed your memories to fill in the voids in my life. Ive longed for your beguile touch,your flattery,your quivering want for me once more.. and I, hating myself in the process.

"-you complete me like no other"

Only had you warned me.warned me of turning an outsider to my own self.Of losing my self in spirals of smoke I pilgrimaged with you by my side.

Today I wish to rebuild my fortress. To walk back roads and rewind decisions.To fight the monsters that brainwashed a sober me and I wish to let you know that I still believe in love and and its countless possibilities. I still believe in foreverness and my perfect opposite.In golden-winged fairies,in happiness and unadulterated devotion.

There are somethings you could never take.

Can one really escape ones past or does one only camouflage it with wiser words and an unreal self-designed image?

The way we come undone.

Searching your eyes
I stared into your face
maybe a little too long.
You,too lost in your own sweet
musings,
You lost in her.
I unnoticed.
I lose.
Tomorrow,I shall again
search your eyes,
stare into your face
just
so you notice me. once.
if only.
But today I lose.

May I step on your toes,please.

Spilled ink on my letters the postman refused to carry.Abandoned.
Standing pole lines bow down to your presence.Surfeit.
Laced within me the patters of your words.Vociferous.

And I stopped the clock at eleven.


Run out of ink,
my fruitless efforts to engrave some more of me,
upon those frayed pages I now know by heart.
Burnt along the edges,I run my fingers across them
repeating each word etched upon my memory,
I start my journey,I've made it everyday,
raping them of their soul again
giving birth to a new flare in me each time.
And I write you a story in the process,
the script some what new,
characters just you and me (again).

And I stopped our clock at eleven.


These shut eyes speak for themselves,
calling out for you,
talking of feather-iron buttoned strings
and sweet nothings.
Won't you listen?
It's a story some what new
playing our tune so strong.
The same old tune.
Our tune.
And I dance to it like never before.
I'm smiling.I cannot wait.

And now I shall stop the clock.

My Life so Yellow

190800 seconds to go..

I cant hold my breath any longer.
I cant wait to die.

Abstracted.

I've never really wanted to grow up.And at a particular stage, it became all the more fervid.Ive been scared.I've cried my self to sleep thinking how the next day would make me yet another year older.Thinking of how that naivety and innocence would disappear or may I say be expected to disappear, making of me,another mask,which seems so very attractive these days,that would eventually get lost among hundreds like me.Them asking of me to act stronger,reflective,right,in control all the time, alike them. and i don't want to.ever.

I miss those kisses.I miss dad holding my hand,those times when he clicked numberless pictures of me, dying to show off to the world what he had.I miss mum doting at me and how I felt embarrassed when I caught her staring..how km would give me piggyback rides when ever I wanted them, how you wouldn't let me shed a single tear..and now you don't even care. Its gone now.I don't get any of it anymore.and I miss it.Did you know that?

The worst thing bout growing up is that one starts questioning the veracity of every existent thing-people,peers,parents.
Which if u think in a way is..err not right.Somethings don't need to be questioned,for the answers to them are too vitriolic,too empty to take in.And at times the flaws are devastating;smashing those perfect 'hero' images we've created thoughout time in our artless minds, smothered in wholeness;the noise of that ideal napalm louder each time,harder each time.And I don't wish to know them any longer.

It telling us how parents are people too.People who have the right to commit mistakes as much as we do.To be afraid,to cry,to not being flawless.why?
You know you are growing up when you start loving dad, not because of the silver armoured figure of greatness and completeness that he poses in your mind but because of the man he is.with faults.You know you have broken past those familiar rusty gates when the idea of security and comfort comes from that of a current lover.Scabious debates.Intelligent longings.Fakeness.
It all seems real.and so amazing. I don't like.





I don't want to grow up.