The invisible warning labels

"Some times we love with nothing more

than hope.Some times we cry with

everything except tears.In the

end that's all there is:

love and its duty,sorrow and its truth.

In the end that's all we have-to hold

on tight until the dawn."

-SHANTARAM.

Last night you asked me the perfect opposite of love and I presented you with an imbecile you and me.I do not remember what you said to that but the silence within me fanned the glowing embers of a thought process that I do not really trust any longer.

You had once told me that one can never escape two things in life,one being your own goddamn shadow and the other, still worse being the property of coming up with spineless excuses.I understand what you meant then perfectly now as I find it being used as a substitute for everything, which precisely sums up my own incompetence.The worst yet out of them all are finding excuses to love.Convincing your crippled self for your love for a former lover.Its anything but sincere, more of a gamble thing, having pity for its dressing.Can one love just for the sake of it,disparagingly,whispering promises and sharing secrets when they realise how improvident their love is? Baseless.Lame in every sense.But then again,its love and that's big enough an excuse to get one through.

I believe each of us to be a hedonistic sycophant that burgeons on someone elses gullible mind,deriving pleasure from their ignorance. Innocent flummery gushes thought your veins as you put up effigies of your love.So proud.It starts out as mutualism,helping you unsheathe yourself into a disillusionment you surrender you whole self to and you believe it to be intrinsic for your existence,much like a placebo to your needs.And then you crumble under the same weight of that love,trapped in a void inside your hollow selves.You'll live in a dream,in a fake notion believing it to be the only thing real.

Only we forget that life shouts back and everything you have uttered will echo back

and you shall then whisper

Goodnight.

Goodbye.

Another ghost to follow.

"I know where you hide

Alone in your car

Know all of the things that make you who you are

I know that goodbye means nothing at all

Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls.."

I know she considers her middle school badge lucky.

I know that she has a burn scar near her ankle and it had troubled her quite a bit.

I know her wrist supported a rather ugly black titan watch,that she preferred over all others,for most of her senior years at school and preserved the pieces after it broke.

I know she's allergic to chalk.

I know she cannot tell the shades of different colours apart.

I know she hearts stormy weathers.

I know that she idolized Einstein.

I know that she's rather bad at writing letters and no matter how much I ask her not to ramble, she still will.

I know she cried in the corridors.

I know that its rather difficult to tell her laughter and crying apart.

I know that had she been a word, it would be- Renaissance.

I know she's awake no matter what time of the night I call her, tongue wrestling the voices in her head.I know she knows I believe them to be kiddish.I know she hates me for that.

I know she secretly believes Red and Blue to be conspiring against her existence.

I know that she would back me up on every weird idea I possess.

I know she can mix sauce with everything edible on the planet.

I know shes on the wrong planet.

I know that she tried hiding her frost bitten fingers at school and was amazingly successful at it.

I know she strangely wakes up to receive my calls at night even when the phones been on the silent mode.

I know how much she loved Westlife and how she grew out of it.

I know she can listen to 'she will be loved', over and over again and never get the least tired.

I know she lost her faith in god in tenth grade.

I know that her hazel eyes hide more than just secrets.

I know she'd never compromise with her standards.

I know that she stealthily applys Kohl.

I know that she burns things to convince herself they don't matter any longer.I know they still do.

I know she secretly fears loneliness.

I know that she's never come even distantly close to hating him even though she said she did.

I know that the lucky ass that would get her, would never be good enough for her.

I know she had a fringe during her junior years.

I know she wakes up after every hour at night.

I know that she worries about her looks.

I know how much the word 'lame' bugs her.

I know that she loves me but would rather swallow a fly than admit it.

I know she gets nervous alot.

I know her handwriting smells of smoke and sea.Its my synonym for familiarity.

I know she eats coffee powder as an act of repentance.

I know that she can brush her teeth over and over again through the day.

I know perfect endings don't seem to convince her.

I know her.

I had known her.

Suddenly I'm not so sure.

No excuses this time

I've set myself on fire, do you see me now ?

Windswept ruins

I dread your oceans

I dread your streams.

Circumventing your existence

and not being affected is hopeless,

and so totally not me.

I've never hidden the truth away from you.

I've only protected you against it.

And those are two very different things.

If that phone isn't ringing you should  know its me.

Razors and Bandage.

Shuffling though the dresser drawer.. her eyes red and Japanese-like from too much of crying.

Of what they see.Eyes and the whole of her, gleam.Silver.Her fingers clenching as many pills as they can.Pills.She always had been in awe of.Red.Orange.Sea green.Yellow.

"your good for nothing,"they said.

A glass bottle hovers over the table a little before crashing onto the floor. 

"you are self centred,that's why no one likes you.

oh! forget that!how many of them do you like?",they said.

She pulls back her careless locks away from her face.They are out there.They wish to reach you,listen to you,hold you.She shuts her eyes to the voices in her head.That's what she always did.That was her way.GETLOST.

"You have no human values left,"he said.

You dream in satin.You've painted pellets the colours they are,you say.And you pose.I see that.

You pretend allthebloodytime.And I can see that.You pose.You pose.

"If that's how you wish to continue,you are getting no where in your life.Building air castles is all you can do..",she said.

Glossy colors on her palm.ONE DOWN.

"Your selfish and your spoilt"

TWO DOWN.

"She isn't as innocent as she pretends to be.Your ungrateful.And you lie.You Lie.You LIE."

THREE DOWN.Two more to go.

CAUTION:"Over doze maybe injurious to liver.Keep out of reach of children".

"There's something your not telling me..I know there is.And whats 

with your phone?,"said the best friend.

She stared at the dead thing lying close by.So was she.She didn't wish to touch it.Feel it.Have anything to do with it.

ONE MORE TO GO.

"..but that's not how it is babe..you know that..rite?,"he said.

If I smile and don't believe

Soon I know I'll wake from this dream

Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken

Hello I am the lie living for you so you can hide.

"Whats wrong with you?Should I call up one of your friends to know whats with you?Tell me..speak.Your just like her.Your silence scares me and its going to get us into trouble for that I'm sure..SPEAK..",she said.

DOWN.YOU GO DOWN SO SMOOTH...

Your words echo in my brain.They screech and they scream,driving their nails deep into my tired brain.Now you can say all that you want.Only I see the blood trickle.

yourgoingnowhereyourgoingnowhereyourgoingnowhereyourgoingnowhere

Smiles don't always tell the truth.Sometimes they are more than just oblivion,

sadness,sarcasm and shrewdness.Its a reminder.A signal.A warning.A forecast.

This I shall always remember.

I wonder, which pain I tried to chase away after all?

My Synthetic being

And I'm not gonna take it back

And I'm not gonna say I don't mean that

You're the target that I'm aiming at

Got to get that message home

-coldplay.

Flip.turn.flip.cry.

How fair is it  to let down some one,break their trust and clothe it with excuses?How fair is it to leave a former love unanswered and runaway?How fair is it to leave you unaware,chasing answers I know you can never find without me?How fair is it to be me?Cant even pretend,you try so hard to see.

My shadow and I have gotten nowhere next to agreeing with one another-

we have only compromised.

Flip.

I shut my eyes to the shrieking stars.Last night they screamed your name aloud.I shrugged out of fake oblivion and I saw them break into a gleaming green and silver.Listen and feel.Those Bubble talks and liquid dreams.

And we walk so apart these days-Ive renamed it as 'forsaken bliss' and you know how untrue this is.So much and all I ask is,to let me crawl out of your skin,away to a world so me,to give away everything and give birth to me,now that I realise Ive lost more than just myself to you.And I've logged into my mailbox a zillion times.I wait for you,I do not understand.

Switch off.Switch on.fade.

"why the hell were you switched off?Are you not telling me something?I really think so.."

"hello?.."

Switch off.

"uhh.."

Switch on.tears.more tears.

"have you by any chance been crying?"

Switch off.switch on.

I never thought I'd need those diary pages,just to remind my love for you.Flip,turn,flip.

Sitting on your lap.Your arms around my waist,listening to my musings,you smile silently.You kiss my earlobe.We are too close.I breathe your breath in.Your sweat smelling of my perfume and I know thats how you like it.

Flip.turn.tears.

"the no. you are trying is currently switched off"

I count the seconds,Ive thought of you.I want each one back ..can you count?cause I failed to.The familiarity within me,from you,back into me, so fucking undeniable.I can trace you down from what you had been to what you will be.You sailed my mind though a sea of credulity,and we lived lives in a single season..now your boats too overfilled with my faults..and your incompetence.I wish you had simply said it.

I curse the boat.I curse my omens and your lemons.

I curse you.

And I curse myself.

Switch on.Switch off.cry.

You move your fingers through my hair.i turn towards you.You bring me closer and I catch myself in you.I see my goodness and I see my lies.I smile.You kiss my elbow,you kiss my wrist,you kiss my fingers and their tips..

Switch on.tears.

You hold those pages in your hands.you look from them to me,back into them.you-surprised,happy,sad-all at once.You take a complete fifteen minutes staring into them,remembering time,remembering us..remembering 'the one'..

You were Dippsy.

Flip.turn.

You do not speak.You can't  how ever much you try.You look at me.I look away,afraid you might just see through me and all that I protect.And I realise how it all had been planned from the start.You fucking were my scrip.My story.My gift.My lesson.My prayer.A pawn I played,beautifully inking down every move of yours and now Im exausted.

Simple three words.Seventeen letters.And I was done.

Formulate.punctuate.delete.

WHO AM I DECEIVING.

IT NEVER WAS YOU.

The predator.

I remember.
The deserted manor in a heartless winter morning, smelling of burnt cigarettes,flittered vanilla-candles,spent souls and your aftershave. Of french windows and prying eyes and of squished rose petals spread upon worn carpets; where you had confessed your love to a 17yr old naive me, and I had succumbed to all your insecurities,thinking it as my soul duty to give back to you all that you had lost, unaware of your dark recesses, you protected so well.Thankful of being desired and loved.
I remember.Black mirror pieces raping crimson stained bedsheets,entwined in misleading ecstasy that spoke of long nights that'd prolong past morning light.Cathedral bells.Horace Silver.Heroine.Glenfiddich.Two naked bodies lost in a desperate embrace.Fake smiles and unfaithful eyes.Drift.Draw.Sway.Sting.

Its so much easier to live with a burnt face than live with a burnt soul.

I sit muted by the things Ive done and believed in..i think of faults,betrayal,cheat and my demeaned self..and all of it taking me back to you..

Too many times I've cried myself out on the same sheets, cursed a new star every night, and allowed your memories to fill in the voids in my life. Ive longed for your beguile touch,your flattery,your quivering want for me once more.. and I, hating myself in the process.

"-you complete me like no other"

Only had you warned me.warned me of turning an outsider to my own self.Of losing my self in spirals of smoke I pilgrimaged with you by my side.

Today I wish to rebuild my fortress. To walk back roads and rewind decisions.To fight the monsters that brainwashed a sober me and I wish to let you know that I still believe in love and and its countless possibilities. I still believe in foreverness and my perfect opposite.In golden-winged fairies,in happiness and unadulterated devotion.

There are somethings you could never take.

Can one really escape ones past or does one only camouflage it with wiser words and an unreal self-designed image?