Monday, February 22, 2010

This part of me.

This isn't a post.This isnt anything they'd wish to read,but you.This is just for you and the pauses between our conversations that have now become stagnant and stale, just like us. This is to tell you that I love you.You know who you are.
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L,

Why do I feel every word you write has a me intact somewhere? Why do I read them over again even after I dread them? Guilt overflows my 5 feet 4 inches and I struggle to keep my head above.
Why do you do this?
Why don't you conceal it better
and keep me ignorant?
This is a dream...
And now somehow everything I called my own seems to smell of you and I cant escape it even six feet under.
I wish to talk of us..I really do..but I can't,for they can't possibly understand and now I'm tired of searching you in other people. It hurts when they turn out no where next to you and I hate each one of them for this.
Why can't they be?
And you refuse to speak.I wish you not to either.Maybe Im just afraid.(of words?) I ignore the sadness in your voice each time we talk and blare out an immune me,when the truth is that Im far more fragile and scared.
I do all the things you'd do and say..I imagine your reactions to each of my actions, and then defy each on,and I runnaway from myself , building a solid barrier around me thats now become impermeable.My heart ice cold.

Where have we gone?

You were my drug all along; and now I twitch in the absistance of the bygone times..
Do we want them back?
All this is so strange.This dependency and need. No not need,I don't need you..I never should.

Sometimes knowing someone too well and to be known equally well can be suffocating.Yet we work in unknown synchrony I wonder how.But should I even be surprised, 'cause hasn't it always been that way?
I laugh at this absurd connection with you.I understand thoughts and justify your decisions even if they'd never be mine.And look for traces of your presence around,however new the surroundings might be.
The stars rearrange themselves each time we talk and relapse everytime we return defeated. There can never be a winner between us, this you know better.

Could my glass barrier have been preventing you as well? My fingers burn as I run them along, searching for edges..and it gets darker each time I try. I shut off the radio now.The words conspire against me and the music betrays,restricting my thoughts to a small oval shaped lobe and I heavy down under that ever building synaptic rush.Maybe thats why I keep it out of reach, to keep away from your recesses.
I fail.

I love you for what you brought to me. 'Cause you've been the only person whos never gotten scared away from me,even when I was.And you protected my self believed hard exterior by your tender flesh./
From distance I see you as my savior and now I drown without you there to guide me any longer.
I never agreed to what you said,this you know; but I followed it just the same, this too you know.
Today I help build the wall between us,cementing it with all that,that brought us closer in the first place

You dont break away from a person gradually.Its always an instant snap and then the music blares away aloud,shutting the world away, and we move dizzy in reverse.

I write this to you just 'cause I always have written to you,on paper and in print.Preserving the envelopes addressed to you and avoiding inquisitive questions about you.
I lied to you when I said no one mattered anymore.I lied when I screamed on the phone,my intention to move on.I lied when I said I was happy.
'Cause you have mattered all along.
'Cause you are the only thing I carried along with me,throughout,no matter what.
'Cause I hate myself for missing you so much.

You might find this letter totally out of place and funny.But I feel I have the right to do this,more than anyone else.I feel like I own you in flesh and bone and the things that separate us.
I've always believed that I can shut anyone out if I could do that to you and that's exactly hoe its turned out to be.
I today match my fragile side with yours,wondering where which puzzle fits..and anyone who could see through my stained lens would be able to tell that the incompletion in the picture was you.

It had always been easy to come near you,building this something.But I fail to turn that something back into a nothing now.And I shut my eyes for I'm tired of this futile searching.
You think I cannot feel 'cause I declare myself to be immune and numb.But isn't not feeling, a feeling too?

I always wonder why we complicate our lives so much.Maybe sometimes all that is required is a stimulus, a simple mistake to complicate this simplicity.
Its maybe because we all are schizophrenics in some way;confusing fantasy with reality,wrestling dreams and catching crashed rockets we launch, in an attempt to personify the voids we believe to be something.
Maybe trust is a conspiracy.Love,a catalyst to betrayal and dreams,the pirates of hope..And each one manufactured in this corrugated mind, a reason to dread.
But then I remind myself to be anesthetized,immune to belief in any form..But why this then?
This is so cynical.
This is contradiction all along.

My heart beat deafens me.
Your neon lights blind me.
Im not stoned
But Im falling over.
I sniff too hard to sense you around.
Growing numb under your touch
I cry as I read your words.

Inflammable,I tonight wander around fireworks and shooting stars..and you.
This night isn't the scariest.


Come foretell this story.
Without wax,always
-C



5 doors banged:

Rhiamon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Fareed said...

A catalyst to vary a post.

Anonymous said...

I never turned away when you needed someone, I never shut you out. You abandoned everything, including me..you'd be lying if you say you didn't ignore me. You grew out of me as a friend, like with the rest of them. You've done this a few times before too haven't you? Fresh excuses every single time.
Sure after the exams it was tough for you, but the last year hasn't been easy on me either.
And you were too busy in your perfect life to notice that, too busy trying to shake off the ghosts that still haunted you.You know very well how suffocating lonliness can be , and still you don't let people be there, untill you find some to start over with. I needed someone too, and you just couldn't bother to be there..I still don't think you want to be there.. it's perfect isn't it as long as it makes good blog posts?
Hippocratic though.

You've let go of all secrets before too and it makes me sick to even look at those words again.. you weren't sure that you knew me anymore? Wrong.
You'd just forgotten. Everything. And all you were looking for was the time when things were right with you.

Now whenever something bad happens, it always comes down to you, everything unrelated finds its way to you. You know that feeling I think, and I can't keep doing this anymore, keep increasing the pain exponentially.
I don't want us to be one of those people I used to know so well and now just talk to on birthdays, it's repulsive to know you as that. It hurts to see you as a picture of what had been, like a memory, like what could have been.
You have no idea how much...

sagar V said...

complexity is achieved when you lose simlpicity

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