The Missing Exclaimation Marks.

"Somehow everything I own

smells of you.And for the tinest

moment its all not true.

More than anything I want to see you go..

You could be happy,I hope you are."

Whats your zodiac sign?

US- Perfectly symmetrical masses fit perfectly into one another,giving birth to our induced fit theory.Reading minds and actions,giving more than you get.Traping moments and presenting our own sarcophagus of jumbled thoughts..

Did I tell you I still think of of you,read you moves and predict the things you do..I still know,I still understand.I still believe in you.

"you'll grow out of it baby.."

Writing now only feels painful and however much I try to runnaway from it,Im doing it tonight just for you and our symmetrical selves
I cant write anylonger. But I still can feel.
I today acknowledge you and your shut out things.now they resemble mine,and when you asked me if 'we' are getting any better,I know you realized I would lie.
If we could,I'd turn time round to make things like they used to be..
To be able to undo your accusation and to undo my suppressed longings,to be able to protect me from what I've see..and to be able to speak them out to you.
I cant write any longer.
And i dont care..
You were my only refuge and this is just for you.

We now fill blank crosswords,me puzzle you and you build on clues.
Dragged conversations,forced smiles,disarray emotions,8 minutes to our 180..
What have we turned into?
So tell me are you friend or foe?

You cant leave out explaination-lost words out after a time.And now its turned out to feel like having splinters pushing through my heart.

You arent allowed to be a child anylonger

Sometimes its just not fair to fight,to runnaway from hanging conversations,to keep you away so,to hurt you like that..
I now let you linger a little longer,till you dissolve unto me.
Your thoughts condense upon my skin,your voice plunges through the crevices in me..

Even hate has a saturation level

Everything moves so fast and in reverse I follow.This all's too unfair,too selfish,too unlike you and me.

This isnt a longing,this is loss.


Oh! and before I forget,
I miss you.

Surprise me..? (please.)

Scars like stars

When the electricity fades and only lightning remains

and we've drunk the last drop of dead dinosaur blood

and we're forced to run outside into the streets, you and

I will yell out aliases and call signs like fighter

pilots falling. Because we don't know each other's real names.

- IWTFY

You defend yourself of my accusations and I openly let you do so.I could even live this way forever.Accustomed to your pernicky self and the fluctuating me,I understood what you meant in the silences between the words you spoke.I still do.I just cant seem to save my self. Not because of the sudden lapse of judgement in me or because I have sealed away the hyper eighteen year old girl that I used to be ,but because I'm afraid I'd mirror my surrounding to the you I was always afraid of.

You surprise me with the pity you wear as your underclothes to friendship,and it disgusts me each I look at you.But I cannot hate you. Now I understand what they meant when they said that you can only fall out of love with someone,not stop loving them.Our-star crossed signs now smirk as they look down at us,the celestial lights connecting our hearts a shade dimmer each time.And it has devastated me in terms of Identity with you.

I have watched each one of you disappear from the frame that once captured our happy,unaware faces.Our star fighter pilots have given up along time.Now we are afraid of drowning,our boats afull.Why didn't we realize this was a one-man submarine throughout? Over filled with faults and unspoken words our stagnant faces fade away into distant spaces that still carry labels to identify you and me. There were times we promised to do something about it.We know how.But instead we step aside allowing life to put up her dread show before us. One at a time it shuts us out, with you so intimated.But I hate you.For your pride and mine too.For your nonchalance and my ostrich-act. This show isn't amusing any longer.And I see you realize that.

You wish to drift apart;too tired of me running away over again,too tired of explaining,too tired of convincing.Dammit you have a life too!

And mean while I shall put up a show of my scars that now seem like stars to me,each one marking their over-rated autographs on my skin and I glow beneath them.But look,the nights got plenty more.

Its only shame that makes us real,and somehow defines who we really are.This you will understand someday as well. You have always been a slow learner and I lovingly patient with you.

Last night you cut off my oxygen supply asking me to breathe.And I obeyed with your voice pounding like bullets in my head.And I prayed to you.Its just cause I have no one else to turn to,asking you to save me before this part of me that you knew so well should fade away.And if it reaches you,I shall say amen to that.Because I don't own a sand glass any longer but I realise I'm short of time and tears.

Sometimes I wish to write about you and me.About us and the times that used to be,but i fail repeatedly. Framing sentences in extravagant vocabulary and throwing phrases just to prove my maturity to it.Sometimes I wish to talk about it.To show you my over flown self and the crevices that wont fill but I'm exhausted and I wont let you see those tears again.

Sometimes talking your heart out and weaving thoughts to Latin-born words only makes them even so treacly.Thus I don't speak them.Least to you.And I shall never say that I miss you.

Dimensions.

Mirrors hide alot,but that doesn't necessarily make them something bad.

You always held my hand, throughout; but that doesn't necessarily make you something good.

The invisible warning labels

"Some times we love with nothing more

than hope.Some times we cry with

everything except tears.In the

end that's all there is:

love and its duty,sorrow and its truth.

In the end that's all we have-to hold

on tight until the dawn."

-SHANTARAM.

Last night you asked me the perfect opposite of love and I presented you with an imbecile you and me.I do not remember what you said to that but the silence within me fanned the glowing embers of a thought process that I do not really trust any longer.

You had once told me that one can never escape two things in life,one being your own goddamn shadow and the other, still worse being the property of coming up with spineless excuses.I understand what you meant then perfectly now as I find it being used as a substitute for everything, which precisely sums up my own incompetence.The worst yet out of them all are finding excuses to love.Convincing your crippled self for your love for a former lover.Its anything but sincere, more of a gamble thing, having pity for its dressing.Can one love just for the sake of it,disparagingly,whispering promises and sharing secrets when they realise how improvident their love is? Baseless.Lame in every sense.But then again,its love and that's big enough an excuse to get one through.

I believe each of us to be a hedonistic sycophant that burgeons on someone elses gullible mind,deriving pleasure from their ignorance. Innocent flummery gushes thought your veins as you put up effigies of your love.So proud.It starts out as mutualism,helping you unsheathe yourself into a disillusionment you surrender you whole self to and you believe it to be intrinsic for your existence,much like a placebo to your needs.And then you crumble under the same weight of that love,trapped in a void inside your hollow selves.You'll live in a dream,in a fake notion believing it to be the only thing real.

Only we forget that life shouts back and everything you have uttered will echo back

and you shall then whisper

Goodnight.

Goodbye.

Another ghost to follow.

"I know where you hide

Alone in your car

Know all of the things that make you who you are

I know that goodbye means nothing at all

Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls.."

I know she considers her middle school badge lucky.

I know that she has a burn scar near her ankle and it had troubled her quite a bit.

I know her wrist supported a rather ugly black titan watch,that she preferred over all others,for most of her senior years at school and preserved the pieces after it broke.

I know she's allergic to chalk.

I know she cannot tell the shades of different colours apart.

I know she hearts stormy weathers.

I know that she idolized Einstein.

I know that she's rather bad at writing letters and no matter how much I ask her not to ramble, she still will.

I know she cried in the corridors.

I know that its rather difficult to tell her laughter and crying apart.

I know that had she been a word, it would be- Renaissance.

I know she's awake no matter what time of the night I call her, tongue wrestling the voices in her head.I know she knows I believe them to be kiddish.I know she hates me for that.

I know she secretly believes Red and Blue to be conspiring against her existence.

I know that she would back me up on every weird idea I possess.

I know she can mix sauce with everything edible on the planet.

I know shes on the wrong planet.

I know that she tried hiding her frost bitten fingers at school and was amazingly successful at it.

I know she strangely wakes up to receive my calls at night even when the phones been on the silent mode.

I know how much she loved Westlife and how she grew out of it.

I know she can listen to 'she will be loved', over and over again and never get the least tired.

I know she lost her faith in god in tenth grade.

I know that her hazel eyes hide more than just secrets.

I know she'd never compromise with her standards.

I know that she stealthily applys Kohl.

I know that she burns things to convince herself they don't matter any longer.I know they still do.

I know she secretly fears loneliness.

I know that she's never come even distantly close to hating him even though she said she did.

I know that the lucky ass that would get her, would never be good enough for her.

I know she had a fringe during her junior years.

I know she wakes up after every hour at night.

I know that she worries about her looks.

I know how much the word 'lame' bugs her.

I know that she loves me but would rather swallow a fly than admit it.

I know she gets nervous alot.

I know her handwriting smells of smoke and sea.Its my synonym for familiarity.

I know she eats coffee powder as an act of repentance.

I know that she can brush her teeth over and over again through the day.

I know perfect endings don't seem to convince her.

I know her.

I had known her.

Suddenly I'm not so sure.

No excuses this time

I've set myself on fire, do you see me now ?

Windswept ruins

I dread your oceans

I dread your streams.

Circumventing your existence

and not being affected is hopeless,

and so totally not me.

I've never hidden the truth away from you.

I've only protected you against it.

And those are two very different things.

If that phone isn't ringing you should  know its me.

Razors and Bandage.

Shuffling though the dresser drawer.. her eyes red and Japanese-like from too much of crying.

Of what they see.Eyes and the whole of her, gleam.Silver.Her fingers clenching as many pills as they can.Pills.She always had been in awe of.Red.Orange.Sea green.Yellow.

"your good for nothing,"they said.

A glass bottle hovers over the table a little before crashing onto the floor. 

"you are self centred,that's why no one likes you.

oh! forget that!how many of them do you like?",they said.

She pulls back her careless locks away from her face.They are out there.They wish to reach you,listen to you,hold you.She shuts her eyes to the voices in her head.That's what she always did.That was her way.GETLOST.

"You have no human values left,"he said.

You dream in satin.You've painted pellets the colours they are,you say.And you pose.I see that.

You pretend allthebloodytime.And I can see that.You pose.You pose.

"If that's how you wish to continue,you are getting no where in your life.Building air castles is all you can do..",she said.

Glossy colors on her palm.ONE DOWN.

"Your selfish and your spoilt"

TWO DOWN.

"She isn't as innocent as she pretends to be.Your ungrateful.And you lie.You Lie.You LIE."

THREE DOWN.Two more to go.

CAUTION:"Over doze maybe injurious to liver.Keep out of reach of children".

"There's something your not telling me..I know there is.And whats 

with your phone?,"said the best friend.

She stared at the dead thing lying close by.So was she.She didn't wish to touch it.Feel it.Have anything to do with it.

ONE MORE TO GO.

"..but that's not how it is babe..you know that..rite?,"he said.

If I smile and don't believe

Soon I know I'll wake from this dream

Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken

Hello I am the lie living for you so you can hide.

"Whats wrong with you?Should I call up one of your friends to know whats with you?Tell me..speak.Your just like her.Your silence scares me and its going to get us into trouble for that I'm sure..SPEAK..",she said.

DOWN.YOU GO DOWN SO SMOOTH...

Your words echo in my brain.They screech and they scream,driving their nails deep into my tired brain.Now you can say all that you want.Only I see the blood trickle.

yourgoingnowhereyourgoingnowhereyourgoingnowhereyourgoingnowhere

Smiles don't always tell the truth.Sometimes they are more than just oblivion,

sadness,sarcasm and shrewdness.Its a reminder.A signal.A warning.A forecast.

This I shall always remember.

I wonder, which pain I tried to chase away after all?

My Synthetic being

And I'm not gonna take it back

And I'm not gonna say I don't mean that

You're the target that I'm aiming at

Got to get that message home

-coldplay.

Flip.turn.flip.cry.

How fair is it  to let down some one,break their trust and clothe it with excuses?How fair is it to leave a former love unanswered and runaway?How fair is it to leave you unaware,chasing answers I know you can never find without me?How fair is it to be me?Cant even pretend,you try so hard to see.

My shadow and I have gotten nowhere next to agreeing with one another-

we have only compromised.

Flip.

I shut my eyes to the shrieking stars.Last night they screamed your name aloud.I shrugged out of fake oblivion and I saw them break into a gleaming green and silver.Listen and feel.Those Bubble talks and liquid dreams.

And we walk so apart these days-Ive renamed it as 'forsaken bliss' and you know how untrue this is.So much and all I ask is,to let me crawl out of your skin,away to a world so me,to give away everything and give birth to me,now that I realise Ive lost more than just myself to you.And I've logged into my mailbox a zillion times.I wait for you,I do not understand.

Switch off.Switch on.fade.

"why the hell were you switched off?Are you not telling me something?I really think so.."

"hello?.."

Switch off.

"uhh.."

Switch on.tears.more tears.

"have you by any chance been crying?"

Switch off.switch on.

I never thought I'd need those diary pages,just to remind my love for you.Flip,turn,flip.

Sitting on your lap.Your arms around my waist,listening to my musings,you smile silently.You kiss my earlobe.We are too close.I breathe your breath in.Your sweat smelling of my perfume and I know thats how you like it.

Flip.turn.tears.

"the no. you are trying is currently switched off"

I count the seconds,Ive thought of you.I want each one back ..can you count?cause I failed to.The familiarity within me,from you,back into me, so fucking undeniable.I can trace you down from what you had been to what you will be.You sailed my mind though a sea of credulity,and we lived lives in a single season..now your boats too overfilled with my faults..and your incompetence.I wish you had simply said it.

I curse the boat.I curse my omens and your lemons.

I curse you.

And I curse myself.

Switch on.Switch off.cry.

You move your fingers through my hair.i turn towards you.You bring me closer and I catch myself in you.I see my goodness and I see my lies.I smile.You kiss my elbow,you kiss my wrist,you kiss my fingers and their tips..

Switch on.tears.

You hold those pages in your hands.you look from them to me,back into them.you-surprised,happy,sad-all at once.You take a complete fifteen minutes staring into them,remembering time,remembering us..remembering 'the one'..

You were Dippsy.

Flip.turn.

You do not speak.You can't  how ever much you try.You look at me.I look away,afraid you might just see through me and all that I protect.And I realise how it all had been planned from the start.You fucking were my scrip.My story.My gift.My lesson.My prayer.A pawn I played,beautifully inking down every move of yours and now Im exausted.

Simple three words.Seventeen letters.And I was done.

Formulate.punctuate.delete.

WHO AM I DECEIVING.

IT NEVER WAS YOU.

The predator.

I remember.
The deserted manor in a heartless winter morning, smelling of burnt cigarettes,flittered vanilla-candles,spent souls and your aftershave. Of french windows and prying eyes and of squished rose petals spread upon worn carpets; where you had confessed your love to a 17yr old naive me, and I had succumbed to all your insecurities,thinking it as my soul duty to give back to you all that you had lost, unaware of your dark recesses, you protected so well.Thankful of being desired and loved.
I remember.Black mirror pieces raping crimson stained bedsheets,entwined in misleading ecstasy that spoke of long nights that'd prolong past morning light.Cathedral bells.Horace Silver.Heroine.Glenfiddich.Two naked bodies lost in a desperate embrace.Fake smiles and unfaithful eyes.Drift.Draw.Sway.Sting.

Its so much easier to live with a burnt face than live with a burnt soul.

I sit muted by the things Ive done and believed in..i think of faults,betrayal,cheat and my demeaned self..and all of it taking me back to you..

Too many times I've cried myself out on the same sheets, cursed a new star every night, and allowed your memories to fill in the voids in my life. Ive longed for your beguile touch,your flattery,your quivering want for me once more.. and I, hating myself in the process.

"-you complete me like no other"

Only had you warned me.warned me of turning an outsider to my own self.Of losing my self in spirals of smoke I pilgrimaged with you by my side.

Today I wish to rebuild my fortress. To walk back roads and rewind decisions.To fight the monsters that brainwashed a sober me and I wish to let you know that I still believe in love and and its countless possibilities. I still believe in foreverness and my perfect opposite.In golden-winged fairies,in happiness and unadulterated devotion.

There are somethings you could never take.

Can one really escape ones past or does one only camouflage it with wiser words and an unreal self-designed image?

The way we come undone.

Searching your eyes
I stared into your face
maybe a little too long.
You,too lost in your own sweet
musings,
You lost in her.
I unnoticed.
I lose.
Tomorrow,I shall again
search your eyes,
stare into your face
just
so you notice me. once.
if only.
But today I lose.

May I step on your toes,please.

Spilled ink on my letters the postman refused to carry.Abandoned.
Standing pole lines bow down to your presence.Surfeit.
Laced within me the patters of your words.Vociferous.

And I stopped the clock at eleven.


Run out of ink,
my fruitless efforts to engrave some more of me,
upon those frayed pages I now know by heart.
Burnt along the edges,I run my fingers across them
repeating each word etched upon my memory,
I start my journey,I've made it everyday,
raping them of their soul again
giving birth to a new flare in me each time.
And I write you a story in the process,
the script some what new,
characters just you and me (again).

And I stopped our clock at eleven.


These shut eyes speak for themselves,
calling out for you,
talking of feather-iron buttoned strings
and sweet nothings.
Won't you listen?
It's a story some what new
playing our tune so strong.
The same old tune.
Our tune.
And I dance to it like never before.
I'm smiling.I cannot wait.

And now I shall stop the clock.

My Life so Yellow

190800 seconds to go..

I cant hold my breath any longer.
I cant wait to die.

Abstracted.

I've never really wanted to grow up.And at a particular stage, it became all the more fervid.Ive been scared.I've cried my self to sleep thinking how the next day would make me yet another year older.Thinking of how that naivety and innocence would disappear or may I say be expected to disappear, making of me,another mask,which seems so very attractive these days,that would eventually get lost among hundreds like me.Them asking of me to act stronger,reflective,right,in control all the time, alike them. and i don't want to.ever.

I miss those kisses.I miss dad holding my hand,those times when he clicked numberless pictures of me, dying to show off to the world what he had.I miss mum doting at me and how I felt embarrassed when I caught her staring..how km would give me piggyback rides when ever I wanted them, how you wouldn't let me shed a single tear..and now you don't even care. Its gone now.I don't get any of it anymore.and I miss it.Did you know that?

The worst thing bout growing up is that one starts questioning the veracity of every existent thing-people,peers,parents.
Which if u think in a way is..err not right.Somethings don't need to be questioned,for the answers to them are too vitriolic,too empty to take in.And at times the flaws are devastating;smashing those perfect 'hero' images we've created thoughout time in our artless minds, smothered in wholeness;the noise of that ideal napalm louder each time,harder each time.And I don't wish to know them any longer.

It telling us how parents are people too.People who have the right to commit mistakes as much as we do.To be afraid,to cry,to not being flawless.why?
You know you are growing up when you start loving dad, not because of the silver armoured figure of greatness and completeness that he poses in your mind but because of the man he is.with faults.You know you have broken past those familiar rusty gates when the idea of security and comfort comes from that of a current lover.Scabious debates.Intelligent longings.Fakeness.
It all seems real.and so amazing. I don't like.





I don't want to grow up.

Recuperation.

cause,

*SCREAMS*

IM NOT GOING ANY WHERE!!!!


no Im not!





ps-I love my lemon tree. <3
(hope you could make some sense out of it now pallo..!! ;)
Im not going anywhere!!)

Lapse.

I love you like the piggies love their mud!! <3<3<3

I do..I do..I do. *ssrruppp*

^.^

now I need a hug!!!

Huggies?!

Pampers?!

Diapers?!

Nappies?!

err. anyone?? :(

& now I feel stupid.

pfft

.

GO back to integration fool. :/

The Girl that I almost Was.

Every time I turn the lights on
thinking I'm alone, my pale lemon
Walls betray me.I see that girl, that
girl I see in the realms of my
silver screen.
The girl that I almost was.

Now I'm blasé.

As I look into her eyes
she refuses to look into mine.
Hiding secrets, red lies, betrayal,
are they?

you_shall_never_know.

And of all the colours that I see
in them, its purple that refuses
to show.
I follow her inebriated gaze.
I wonder whats on her mind.
Flashbacks in negative, I long
to tell her the party has end.
She wont hear me.
Lost herself she has in those
cataract dreams. Perversions
all they show... & from now on

I shall remain quiet.

Long louche curls and that mystery
that shall remain untold.
All that jollity,just a facade.
And if I tell the world what
I see today, they
wont believe in me, believe in
you believe in
the girl that I almost was.

The washed away kohl from that
convalescent gaze pains my
heart. It pins me down.
Shes chasing broken-winged-butterflies.
I see no way out.

The ends of these lips and the
treacly stuff that I don't let
them speak curse me today.

Pressed down upon the other side.
I don't trust them any longer
And they don't trust mine.

[This is what a five month blockage gave way to. Written in a fit of god knows what, raw matter that I didn't wish to edit, so don't expect anything out of this one. I was just glad I could write.]

Come over to the dark side.

One day the Lemons shall
fall.
Fall down upon you.


One day.



RUN!!!

Quondam Lies.

"I'll ask you something ..umm philosophical?"
"yyaaaa(in a very disintrested tone) ..umm..no...no."
"guess I'll just end up doing phyics honours you know..and that..."
"ok! ask"
"whats in front of you?"
"a wall."
"you get a zero on the philosophical part!! you know you.."
"I was staring at the computer screen when I said that.."
"I dont understand...."
"me neither."


-And of all the colours that I see
in them, Its purple that refuses
to show.-

>>Flashbacks in negative.


R E W I N D

"Don't lean on me cause Im losing sense and direction.."

You've been thinking 'bout me today havent you, cause youve been playing on my mind all day..your essence still fresh around me, I silently smiled to myself as the bygones keep comming back to me - some so tenderly and some like razors cutting right through me.

They say when you really enjoy the things happening around time just flies past. Fast.
For me thats not how things work.
Things slow down to such a pace that I can trace down your words,your fear, your touch..

When I first met you I was drawn to you gentle demeanor,your choice of words,the intellegence,immersed in simplicity.Sarcasm.Goodness.Your verve.Descency.Your charm and how you beautifully proved me wrong bringing me back to the reality I some how had lost, but respected. And the more I got to know you, the more you turned out to be the person I thought you were. Sometimes fragile, sometimes strong. I wished to hide you in the arms of my gaze and never let go. You were perfect, in all respects. I so intimidated.

You taught me how to spell lemons and coincidence. Showed how music could heal. That, sentences that end with sighs are the most beautiful. Nerd and naive dont always go.And that Mohd. Rafi does have the most amazing songs.:) And the best thing of all that I love in you is that you would never let me do anything wrong.ever.

With you by my side,on my desktop & in my diary pages.. I drifted to a world I never knew exsisted and drifted untill I realised I wasn't me anymore.


R E W I N D


"Hindi mei, matlab loving things?!! ;)"

-sigh-

Yes pallo! loving things!


I miss you soo much.
& wish you all the happiness in the world and if ever they seem short for you, take all mine you can find.Even more.

Am sorry.


>>REWIND. PLAY. .
..And I aways wanted you to leave me, but you know what, that's more painful! You still seem to be in the better position.You have someone to blame. Me to blame. I have only me.
And pieces of you.

>>REWIND.REWIND. PLAY.
"...They say In every relationship
one always loves more than the other.
I hope you are the latter.never.
For this I cannot take.Can never see you In pain.

I pray we never are to meet this.I pray for the sainity of my only beating heart that now beats a different beat.

amen. "

>>FASTFOWARD.PLAY.
" That song.."do you know" ..you know who first told me about it..told you about it..?"

>>REWIND.REWIND.PLAY.
Ever wished your most desired wish to never come true?


>>FAST FOWARD.PLAY.
...plz dont do this dippsy for the awkwardness would be too much for me to be.And the distance hence forth too large.
>FASTFOWARD.

"The AD man will come and get you some day!!... (followed by roars of laughter and mockery)"

>REWIND.

"..you have all my lemons already. How can i give you any?"

>>REWIND.

"I cant understand why people just dont live in the present. Most relationships are destroyed just cause we think too much. Why think of the future. Work with what you have now."

"I dont know.. you see it sometimes is important to think of the future as well.You cant ignore it.Present is nothing with out it"

" but why cant..."

>>REWIND.PLAY.

"You really hate me dont you?"
"I hate the fact that I hate you."

>>FAST FOWARD.PLAY.
"oops! sorry! blind idiot error!! "

>> FAST FOWARD.

"hello! umm dolly masi hai?"

"kaun?"

"umm dolly massi?"

"wrong numer!"

>>REWIND.PLAY.
"..We are not to close in distance we are not too near in miles, but messages still join out hearts and thoughts bring us smiles.
take care.."

>>FAST FOWARD.PLAY.

"Never let go of your addiction cause thats what keeps us going.."

>>REWIND.REWIND. PLAY.

":/"

":(

?;^(("

"o_O"

":----------}

[LIAR :D]"

>>FAST FORWARD.

"..All I know is its just not fair to him."

The ends of these lips and the

treacly stuff I don't let them speak,

curse me today.

Pressed down upon the other side.

I don't trust them any longer

and they don't trust mine.






Should you come back?

I search that YES among a hundred No's..



I'm still re-considering.